Vacations: Complaining Away from Home

Vacations: Complaining Away from Home

You might think that Chinese are all work and no play. This couldn’t be closer to the truth. Some Chinese need to take vacation because their companies will not let them cash it out. Also, there are a significant number of retirees that want to take an hour break from playing mahjong. For these situations, there is a wonderful invention called the tour bus.

Here are the top 10 vacation spots for Chinese and the positive and negative reasons they like going there.

  1. Vancouver, BC – Easy access to Chinese food and relatives. Lots to complain about (too cold, too wet, too boring). Another stamp on that passport usually reserved for China, Taiwan and Hong Kong.
  2. Yosemite, CA – Nice to take pictures of and show people you’ve lived a complete life. Lots to complain about (long drives, no Chinese food, too boring, too hot/cold).
  3. Hong Kong – Lots of relatives or close to relatives, great food, cheap and familiar. Plenty of sites to see and the ability to blend in. Focus on shopping. No tour bus needed.
  4. Taiwan – See Hong Kong. Focus on business meetings. No tour bus needed.
  5. Shanghai – See Taiwan. Focus on illegally copied knock-offs. No tour bus needed.
  6. Beijing – See Shanghai. Sense of history. Focus on subjugation. No tour bus needed.
  7. New York – Lots of photographic sites and Chinese people. Too expensive.
  8. Las Vegas – Lots of photo ops and gambling. Cheap food (some Chinese) and cheap hotels. Can see entire world in about four hours, leaving 20 hours to gamble, shop, and eat. Too hot.
  9. Reno – Lots of gambling and cheap food and hotels. No sites to see.
  10. Singapore – Lots of flights and photo ops, cheap, and plenty of Chinese speaking people. Chinese people there are weird.

You might find it strange that Chinese would visit a place wanting the negatives. It can’t be helped. Every place to a Chinese person has negatives. Something has to be a source of complaint. Our world is imperfect. We must endure a bitter existence that pounds into our bodies and souls like a jackhammer or a Celine Dion song.

Staycation, Chinese Style

For the budget-minded Chinese, a trip to the nearest shopping mall is an excellent vacation from the day-to-day grind. And what other environment expresses the joy and true potential of being a member of the United States of America?

The mall encapsulates our dreams and desires and becomes a microcosm of our very existence. The crowded parking lot with its small spaces and bad drivers echo back to a time when we maneuvered the streets of Hong Kong or Shanghai. The range of poorly dressed teens and gaudy storefronts infuse an incredible amount of Chi into your being.

But best of all, the mall reminds us of the unyielding amount of commerce. Where else can you go to get expensive junk, junk food and spend your entire day soaking it in? It’s a clean, manufactured environment, free of trouble, strife and reminders of a less kind world. Is there any question that Chinese love the mall? They even adopted the word: “Maw.”

The Wheels on the Bus Goes to Buffets

Sometimes, it might be necessary for Chinese Americans to leave the Maw. It could be because they have been to every store, but most likely it is because they were given free tickets to someplace (usually from a relative or a business associate). Because of our guilt about taking time off, we hate planning vacations, which is why we join tours. This way, it seems more like work (go where you’re told, pose for pictures, talk to people you don’t know or like, eat bad food, go home).

Tour buses, tour boats, tour rickshaws — it doesn’t matter. Just lead our Maw-bought cameras to where we can get a buffet.

Older Chinese especially find it helpful to join tours. It is after all their last chance to see the world before they die. By visiting the hell that is Earth, perhaps the afterlife hell may not seem so awful. And who better to suffer along with you than all your senior citizen Chinese buddies who also feel the same way?

Plus you can get the group rate, you have built-in mahjong hands and the long bus ride is an ideal time to set up your grandchildren. The destination is not important at all…

unless it’s hot…

or cold…

or far…

or boring.

Photo Credit: zoetnet via Compfight cc

With decades of experience being Chinese in America, I am fully qualified to tell Real-Americans everything they need to know about being Chinese.