In the old days, marriages use to be arranged by parents. This made life easier. You didn’t have to work so hard to find a wife.
Nowadays, you have to compete for nookie with a long, arduous courting process. Dating a Chinese woman isn’t like the wham, bam, thank you, ma’am that you’re use to with Real-American girls. It requires commitment and stamina.
Use the following guide to help plan your seduction of a Chinese woman.
First date: Sit across from each other at a McDonald’s restaurant. Do not touch. Make a funny joke. Drive her home by 8:30PM.
Second date: Take her to a movie (nothing too artsy). Do not touch. Make 2 funny jokes. Grab some McDonald’s. Drive her home by 9:30PM.
Third through twenty-ninth dates: Repeat second date. If movie is too expensive, skip it or offer to watch something free on your laptop at McDonald’s using their free WiFi together.
Thirtieth date: Take her to McDonald’s. Use the “you’ve-got-a-something-on-your-shoulder” trick and brush it off for her. Apologize for touching her. Drive her home by 10:00PM.
Thirty-first date: At McDonald’s, ask her if she wants a bite of your Big Mac. She will decline. Ask her if you can have a bite of her Filet O’Fish. She will let you. Take a bite. That’s as close to kissing her as you’ll get for a while.
Thirty-second to forty-ninth dates: Repeat thirtieth and thirty-first dates in random order.
Fiftieth date: Use the “I-spilled-my-Coke-all-over-the-table-and-we-have-to-pat-each-other-dry” trick. Make sure to get all the Coke off her hands with your napkin. Congratulations. You are now holding hands! Take her home. She won’t like being sticky.
Seventy-first date: Take her hand in yours. She will be shocked and uncomfortable. Look her in the eyes and propose marriage. She will say yes. Drive her home by 9:30PM. If you’re hungry, stop by a McDonald’s drive thru.
Seventy-second date: Meet her parents. Do not touch them or her. Go home as early as you can.
Seventy-third date: Fill out the necessary paperwork and say “I do.” You may now kiss the bride. You may also have sex. Get McDonald’s to go.
Should any of these steps fail, it may either be that there is no hope for you and you should consider a more monasterily focused life or that she simply isn’t Chinese. Better check her long form birth certificate.