As mentioned countlessly, this is the definitive guide to being Chinese for Real-Americans.

“Ai Ya!” is an exclamatory expression used mainly by old Chinese women. The proper tone is to say it as if there is day-old human and animal fecal matter violently smeared all over the floor and walls. In other words, it stresses a mix of disgust and distain, with a hint of “what did you get me into this time?” and “I’ll probably die after this.” This is exactly how old Chinese women will feel knowing this exists as it reveals all their secrets.

  • Are you frustrated in the direction the world has taken today? Most Chinese are.
  • Do you wish you had not only the financial freedom you desire, but also the ability to maintain that prosperity? Ditto.
  • Do you want love, without having to apologize for who you are and maintain the rule of your kingdom, however large or small it is? Most Chinese men do.
  • Do you believe there is a better way to raise children so that they become constructive members of society, while living a longer, healthier life in which your children care for you and obey you long into your senility? Chinese do.
  • Do you want to benefit from being part of a large, cohesive group that you can rely on to be present in good times and in bad? Chinese are everywhere.
  • Are you “a little backed up?” Chinese food moves like a river through the Grand Canyon.
  • Is your name Quentin Tarantino?

Being Chinese means obtaining an enriching life of opportunity. It is like having a ticket of unlimited joyrides to securing your financial freedom for generations to come. Being Chinese means eliminating the unpredictable situations that stem from raising your children. It means living life with a sense of control and balance. Being Chinese means following the creed of all good ideas: expansion. Being Chinese means that the food you eat won’t plug your intestines. And most of all, being Chinese will ensure you of Chinese women.

Over 1.3 billion people and one Tarantino can’t be wrong.

What is a Real-American?

For many generations, Chinese-Americans have been hyphenated – marginalized into the outer realm of America. But the world is changing, and a demographic tsunami (Japanese word, not Chinese, cretin) is coming in which Chinese-Americans are suddenly in positions of power and property ownership.

As such, Americans must adapt to serve their new landlords. But since Chinese cannot ever be “Real-American,” that leaves only one group capable of being “Real-Americans,” and that’s Real-Americans: the new minority in America.

This Site (tell your friends)

To help you with this transition, this site will offer the definitive answers about being Chinese and how you Real-Americans can better assimilate. It’s not easy being Chinese, so you will have to work very hard to pass.